Things You May Not Have Known About Me (Probably Because None Of It Is True)
I'm a member of 8 different people groups, including 3 I've never heard of.
I have a cotton T-shirt folded neatly and wedged into the southwest corner of my appendix. It doesn't
hurt, but I can always tell when it's foggy out. It also means that I'm never ever truly naked.
I wrote the outline for the first draft of the Dayton Peace Accord. Weird thing is, I was actually in
Hoboken at the time.
Due to the way that I comb my hair, people who walk past me at just the right velocity are able to hear
what sounds like an oboe playing the Pina Colada Song. But to them it sounds like it's coming from across
the street, and most people enjoy it.
My sweat glands are bionic. A couple of weeks ago I ran up 3 flights of stairs, and upon opening the door
I incapacitated a young adult who got in the path of my perspiration. He couldn't eat solid food for over
Several years ago, I was intentionally walked by Nolan Ryan, Gaylord Perry, Dennis Martinez, Joaquin
Andujar, and Dwight Gooden in the same game. To this day, they all still refuse to speak to me.
I accidentally invented the Thigh Master one day while I was changing the oil in my sister's car.
That is why all of the joints on an authentic Thigh Master are red with "STP" stamped on them.
I have the world's largest collection of toilet seat covers, which is currently touring Eastern Europe.
I was a key witness in the first case ever presided over by Judge Wapner.
I was the first person to ever solve the Rubik's Cube. I still have the scars to prove it.
I am erroneously credited as the Aerobics Coordinator at the end of the movie "The Breakfast Club". I was
actually an Assistant to the Head Caterer.
In every photograph ever taken of me, it looks like I'm wearing an earring.
I am no longer welcome to the city of Bismarck, North Dakota, due to a misunderstanding about my middle
All letters addressed to "Mister Bojangles" are delivered to my home address by the US Postal Service.
I am able to erase magnetic tapes by simply sitting on them for 15 minutes.
Every year, I am responsible for turning on the lights in the locker rooms for the first game of the
NBA season. For doing so, an honorary donation is made to local public radio in my name.
I am a licensed court reporter.
Warning labels were recently placed on all cappuccino machines because of me, though most of them are hidden
on the machine's underside.
I'm in the direct line of ascendancy to the throne of Nebraska.
My personal estate includes seven psychedelic paintings of various animals shopping for furniture painted by
Thurgood Marshall, as well as a slinky I found at a friend's house.
I have already prepared the design of my tombstone, and I have a miniature replica made of real marble that I
keep on my keychain. The epitaph includes all of the lyrics from the theme song to "Diff'rent Strokes"
excluding the curse words.