The Thirteenth Dimension
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Super Elastic Combustion Rodeo

Here For All Of Your Advice, Profound Wisdom, Sage Counsel, And Light Hauling Needs


Ask The Thirteenth Dimension

Dear 13D,

I have a dog that is afraid of sharp sticks. What can I do to help him get over that fear?

Bridget Fonda


Your dog has a condition I often refer to as "a fear of sticks". One thing you could try is moving far, far away to a land entirely devoid of sticks of any kind. Or if that doesn't work, try moving back to the place you just moved away from at great personal expense. Sometimes dogs just need a break from the daily grind of listening to your incessant bickering with whoever that guy is that's always at your house these days. I know we've already talked about this, but has the ship sailed on my idea about us collaborating on a sequel to "Point Of No Return"? I really do think we could reinvent it as a buddy film, with a Jack Black-type character as your overbearing older brother with a secret. I've been toying with the idea of casting Donny Osmond as the acquaintance who turns out to be the bad guy - I mean, who would see that coming, right? I'll send you a treatment, OK? Is it OK if I do that? Great.

Dear 13D,

When I'm in my car on a really hot day, I notice that it is much harder to keep the car on the road at speeds over 45 MPH. Should I take my car in to get it seen about by a mechanic, or is there something I can do in my garage?

Niels Bohr


It sounds like you may have a faulty model of the atom. If you've got electrons just flying willy nilly all over the place, somebody's going to get hurt. That's why we can't have nice things in our nucleus. And have you cleaned up that mess in your lab like I asked you to four days ago? I am not your mother, and I refuse to be treated like your maid just because you won the Nobel Prize in Physics. If your hands work well enough to write groundbreaking theories that completely revolutionize the way we understand the world we live in, then they can push a mop just the same. Honestly, it's embarrassing when you have Rutherford and Einstein over for pizza, and I'm afraid they're going to see what kind of slob you are. I'm all for learning about the basic building blocks of our universe, but I will not have people thinking that we are barbarians with no common sense!

Dear 13D,

I've been thinking about starting my own small business so that I can sell my clay figurines. How do I go about setting up my business so that I can do this on the side while I continue with my regular job during the day?

Conway Twitty


Though it takes some good planning to get a small business off of the ground, there are plenty of resources available to help you along the way. The first thing I would suggest is seeking forgiveness for that song. You know which song I'm talking about, don't give me that confused look. The one about that trashy little woman in those tight-fitting jeans. And what did you mean by that line about the fact that you're still "stuck" in your world? What, is Twitty City not good enough for you? What about those other songs you have that are so much nicer, like "Hello Darlin'" or "Happy Birthday Darlin'"... any of those songs that had the word "darlin'" in them. Why couldn't you do more songs like that? Sometimes I think I'll never understand you.


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Combustion Rodeo
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Link to the Thirteenth Dimension.