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Dear 13D,
I have a dog that is afraid of sharp sticks. What
can I do to help him get over that fear?
Bridget Fonda
Bridget,
Your dog has a condition I often refer to as "a
fear of sticks". One thing you could try is
moving far, far away to a land entirely devoid of
sticks of any kind. Or if that doesn't work, try
moving back to the place you just moved away from
at great personal expense. Sometimes dogs just
need a break from the daily grind of listening to
your incessant bickering with whoever that guy
is that's always at your house these days. I
know we've already talked about this, but has the
ship sailed on my idea about us collaborating on
a sequel to "Point Of No Return"? I really do
think we could reinvent it as a buddy film, with a
Jack Black-type character as your overbearing
older brother with a secret. I've been toying with
the idea of casting Donny Osmond as the
acquaintance who turns out to be the bad guy - I
mean, who would see that coming, right? I'll send
you a treatment, OK? Is it OK if I do that?
Great.
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Dear 13D,
When I'm in my car on a really hot day, I notice
that it is much harder to keep the car on the road
at speeds over 45 MPH. Should I take my car in
to get it seen about by a mechanic, or is there
something I can do in my garage?
Niels Bohr
Neal,
It sounds like you may have a faulty model of the
atom. If you've got electrons just flying willy
nilly all over the place, somebody's going to get
hurt. That's why we can't have nice things in our
nucleus. And have you cleaned up that mess in your
lab like I asked you to four days ago? I am not
your mother, and I refuse to be treated like your
maid just because you won the Nobel Prize in
Physics. If your hands work well enough to write
groundbreaking theories that completely
revolutionize the way we understand the world we
live in, then they can push a mop just the same.
Honestly, it's
embarrassing when you have Rutherford and Einstein
over for pizza, and I'm afraid they're going to see
what kind of slob you are. I'm all for learning
about the basic building blocks of our universe,
but I will not have people thinking that we are
barbarians with no common sense!
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Dear 13D,
I've been thinking about starting my own small
business so that I can sell my clay figurines.
How do I go about setting up my business so that
I can do this on the side while I continue with
my regular job during the day?
Conway Twitty
Conway,
Though it takes some good planning to get a small
business off of the ground, there are plenty of
resources available to help you along the way.
The first thing I would suggest is seeking
forgiveness for that song. You know which song
I'm talking about, don't give me that confused
look. The one about that trashy little woman in
those tight-fitting jeans. And what did you mean
by that line about the fact that you're still
"stuck" in your world? What, is Twitty City not
good enough for you? What about those other songs
you have that are so much nicer, like "Hello
Darlin'" or "Happy Birthday Darlin'"... any of
those songs that had the word "darlin'" in them.
Why couldn't you do more songs like that?
Sometimes I think I'll never understand you.
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