Transmissions In Seventeen - Haiku Fashion Plate Postcards

- Sampler Platter
- Exhausting Collection
- Cowku For Better Living
- Haiku Fashion Plate Postcards

You could say that I'm somewhat of a haiku connoisseur if you like. I'm a professional to be certain - successful because I write from experience. I write what I know. Hence, many of my haiku deal with real-life issues - issues like cows, breakfast cereals, and misunderstanding the question. The masses seem to respond to my edgy realism and hard-hitting scrutiny when staring in the face of nasty abrasions and tempting snacks, often in the same sentence. This is no summer school introduction to Haiku For Dummies. This is life, incontinently slashed with a warped pair of left-handed scissors and haphazardly strewn about into random piles of seventeen syllables. Yes, the wallpaper is hard on the eyes. But isn't it about time we started letting our eyes cross the way God intended? Just once, can't we get at the heart of the problem and let all of the other distractions just go fuzzy?

Listen, I think I just had some bad raisins, so I'm going to get right to the haiku. But let me quickly thank Tony and KC for being the first ones to nurture this freaky little writing twitch I have. If you have any comments, then good for you. Enjoy!

I wish I knew crafts Then I could make some new pants Of macaroni	When you're in my way I can't buy more cereal So move your cart, please.
My super powers Demand that I don a cape And wear some glasses.	Talk about round things, Man, how about those circles? Yep, they sure are round.
The size of my head Can't be expressed with mere words Unless it's in song.	See a penny, sir. Pick it up with your fingers. Try not to eat it.
This is your goiter This is your goiter on PEZ Any dispensers?	All of my haiku Were written by my own hand Except those I stole.
Why does that fish food Look like tiny bacon bits? Jealousy blinds me.	So no one told you That haiku would be this way? I've been here for you.
While it's on my mind Let me say that you smell great Keep up the great work.	If I had a dime For every reader I have I could buy soda.
If Mars does attack They should use huge asteroids But I won't tell them.	I think "Helmut Kohl" Would be an excellent name For my first daughter.
Sometimes I pretend I'm drinking Aqua Velva Instead of Kool-Aid.	Words used for healing Like salve, lozenge, and ointment Sure do sound funny!
Always remember: A triangle plus one side Is no triangle.	Carpe burrito! Seize the border while you can! Fill your spork with life!
Linger with us here. We'll draw fish pictures, and play Breakfast With Amy.	A big, purple lump Who represents our milkshakes. Why should I worry?
Fill in the substance: Wordless songs and blurred pictures Our happy montage.	There's this astro-guy And he walks into this place... I forgot the rest.
Hey, that's not a toy You're piggy-backin' a bomb Get off that thing... now!	Life is a Tex-Mex: A chicken chimichanga With, or without beans!
If you scratch my back Then I'll give you an award, Cuz that's a big back!	I'm a pirate, mate! I've got a patch on me eye! Arrgh! I'm a pirate!
The magic dance belt: Flashy, trendy, practical. Go get yours today!	My! Now that's sassy! Toss that hair and throw that chin. You do have the look!
When I feel mad, RATS! The tire fell off my go-cart! And boy, can I scowl!	My leather jacket Makes me feel cool like Fonzie, But look like Potsy.
If I were a bird, I'd try to hold my B.M.'s. How embarrassing!	Oh to be named Steve... I'd give my eye teeth for it, If I could find them.
I'm a Wonder Twin. Yes, I still have that haircut Just like my sister's.	I think of Hootie And I think of the Blowfish. I just don't get it.
I know there are trees And I've seen there is evil But trees aren't evil!	These pants ought to last As long as I own my car. That's a guarantee!
Ahhh, how short life is. We're all yellow sticky notes, Memos, for a time.	They paved paradise? I still cannot find parking Except in Egypt.
I drew the duck blue. I'd never seen a blue duck, But I wanted to.	¿Feo musica? No fue mi tocadisco. Eso si que es.
In this galaxy, Darth Vader's a punk rocker. The force kicks my butt.	Don't you hate it when You meant to say "I'm sorry," But said "Whatever!!!"?
The mighty wiper Single-wiperedly cleans all The rain from the Jag.	Lots of my haiku Are drawn from weird things in life. Except for this one.
The Cartesian plane - The most economical Way to Cartesia.	When I was your age, There was no cool poetry. It all had to rhyme.
Can a cat survive With just a single bongo? Only if he's good.	"Peering through veiled glass" Is a phrase I don't use much, Though it sounds neat-o.
Of all body parts, My favorite is the goiter - A thing of beauty.	God good, devil bad. Haiku dull, will to live gone. Pants tight, nose itching.
Ponch macho, John shy. Bike cool, helmet cumbersome. Disco dead, show gone.	On a sunny day, Take a little time to bathe. You'll be glad you did.
When you said funny I thought you meant like "ha-ha" Sorry that I laughed.	If I were a toy, I guess I'd be a Weeble... Except I fall down.
You're incredible It's not like you're amazing I don't believe you.	Just wait one moment And things will work out to be As you first had planned.
Mother, come here please. They've come to take me away. Where are my shoestrings?	Though you are so cool, Why do you munch Scooby snacks? You're eating dog food!
Clap on and clap off... I could invent cool gadgets. Then they'll dig my scene.	Accolades to you! You ate every last Frito! You rock in my book.
I have a torso. I wash all of it each day. It's my best feature!	Earlier today I talked to my pillowcase. It surprised me too.
Is it hot in here? Are you hot? I'm very hot! It's like a sauna.	What's punch all about? It's like a bizarre church drink For boring events.
One piece at a time It didn't cost me a dime You'll know when it's me.	Mine will do cosine But yours can find the cubed root. My pursed lips tell all.